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| 01:37am 12/02/2007 |
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i feel like i'm slowly losing touch with the rest of humanity. not many people i want to see, and even less i want to talk to. a hermit is what i wish to be. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| even misery hates my company. |
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| 08:07pm 05/12/2006 |
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mood:  pessimistic music: Bad Astronaut - Logan's Run
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For all the riddles solved and every puzzle you complete
Can't seem to find the pieces to the heart that beats
you know that really empty feeling you get every now and then? just a feeling of unmatched lonliness, desperation, and fear? welcome to me life for the last couple of months. i wish i could say that i could find the root of all my misery, but i don't know where it's all coming from.
i'm beginning to thing that there is something terribly wrong with me.
i'm paranoid. i feel like my own friends think i'm just some expendable resource; as if no one would notice if i just ceased exisisting. whether that's true or not.. i don't know. probably not, but the undeniable truth is that is how i feel. i can't help it. subsequently, watching most of them excel at something i don't or didn't necessarily do as well is or just in general enrages me to the point where i want to do something i really shouldn't. you're probably assuming it's petty jealousy but it's not. it's not jealousy. it's the fact that i feel that everyone is competing with me.. constantly. as if they were all mocking me and i can't drive it out of my head.
i feel like people are watching me constantly. i can't walk through a mall or any sort of public palce by myself for long because i feel like everyone who is walking by is just staring at me. if i hear laugher, i think they're laughing at me.
of course, they're all things i've just kinda learned to deal with since god knows when, but lately the reality of all those problems have hit me and i don't know..
on top of that, i just feel like my life is really a fucking waste. i'm stuck in this shitty fucking job with a shitty fucking wage, getting taken advantage of on a daily basis and i do nothing about it. i'm single and lonely and yet have completely accepted the fact that i will never date or get married. ever. all these things just egg on my constant paranoia. with as many people around me as i have, i feel like i am completely alone. whatever. fuck you. |
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| it gets cold looking in from the outside |
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| 01:07pm 26/09/2006 |
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mood:  apathetic music: Smoke or Fire - Culture as Given
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It's been quite a while since I've posted anything on this journal. I haven't forgotten about it, but I have always been the scarce poster. I still read what (mostly) everyone writes, but just never find the words or the motivation to post myself. Maybe it's because I feel my life is pretty dull and bland. There's not much that goes on with me. I feel as if I'm going through the routines every week. Wake up, go to work, come home, eat, play video games, sleep and do it all again. Hanging out isn't something I really look forward to anymore. We do the same things every week, but I just go along with it because it's a change from the rest of the week that I need to see. I don't really know what this paragraph was about, but I do know that apathy has consumed me like a tidal wave.
Maybe some of it is due to work. I don't know. At work I think I've put in a lot of hard work, a lot of stressful days, and a lot of effort. I don't know what I expect in return. I think I expected some respect because maybe that's one of the few things I've always [felt I] lacked from people. However, lately, I feel like I don't even get that. I'm severely underpaid for what I do and my request for a raise is probably just sitting on some suit's desk waiting for approval. When it gets approved, it'll be disappointing and I'm going to have leave. Is that it? Everyone has a problem with their pay, but what really gets me boiling is the fact that I am so... overlooked. I'm the most flexible; I'm the one who has dealt with the worst days in the pharmacy in recent memory (with NO compitent help). I didn't even get offered the position for lead tech. I wouldn't have taken it, but it just shows how appreciated everything I do is. Well, that's where it ends I guess. No longer will I be flexible. No longer will I stay that extra hour. I'm done until something happens to show me that I should give a shit.
On the other hand, Xenogears is still the best game ever made. Krizzy is good to talk to. I'm also stuck in a rut. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| OVERMEDICATED |
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| 09:44pm 31/07/2006 |
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EVERYONE IN THIS FUCKING CITY (ALSO THE STATE; POSSIBLY THE FUCKING COUNTRY) |
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| 08:42am 25/04/2006 |
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Almost fell into that same trap again. |
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Post |
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| FUCKING FUCK YEAH |
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| 12:27pm 10/04/2006 |
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I PASSED MY GOD DAMN TEST!
I AM A NATIONALLY CERTIFIED PHARMACY TECHNICIAN. ALL. FUCKING. HAIL. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| no subject, no direction |
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| 01:17am 12/12/2005 |
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mood: apathetic music: Jello Biafra with The Melvins
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i'm not quite sure what's up with me right now. all generally do is work, come home, play video games, watch law & order (CI and SVU) and go to sleep. i feel like a robot. i don't want to do anything and i rarely want to see anyone else. the only people i particularly enjoy seeing are my friends at work and if i can, tanya. i lost the will to go to shows because, ironically, they contain the people i dislike the most. the people i should supposedly "relate" to are the people i have the most contempt for. no matter who i want to see or hear, my will usually gets thwarted by thought. it's sad i guess. maybe i'll get over it, maybe i won't. i hope i do. aside from that, i don't really know what's up. i'm not upset, depressed, bummed out, or disappointed (well, i suppose i'm a little disappointed in some late developments), but i can't honestly say that i'm completely happy. sorry if i'm neglecting you all, i guess i can't help it. |
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| ATTN: Nikki |
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| 11:17am 27/10/2005 |
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seeing as that i can't reply to your last entry, i just wanted to tell you that the reason they do that is so they don't violate HIPAA (privacy act). I do it in the pharmacy all the time. I know that if I have to tell a patient something regarding their medication and I call and have to leave the message, I'm not allowed to even mention the medication name. I have to be vague, which sucks, but if not I could get in a lot of trouble. So I guess it's the same thing. They can call and tell you your results are in, but they obviously can't just give you the info on a message. yeah.. |
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| 06:46am 15/10/2005 |
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COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| searchin' for the light |
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| 08:36pm 18/09/2005 |
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mood: blank music: good riddance - weight of the world
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so i'm not quite sure how i'm feeling lately. i experience the same feeling every day. i wake up, and it's just the feeling of complete and utter emptiness. i don't want to sound like a queer, but that's how it is. i'm not really happy, i'm not really happy, i just am. it sucks. i don't know what's missing or what's wrong, but that's how it is i guess. at the same time i can still have a good time if i'm out, so it has gotten better, but i can't help but to feel miserable.
i actually went out to a diner with my friend who had been fired. it was very nice because i really wanted to at least keep in touch with her and i actually talked to her on the phone once or twice, she's come back in and talked to me at work and she actually accepted my invite to the diner. it was nice just BSing about stuff like work with her like i used to and i'm happy we'll be keeping in touch
aside from that, one of the girls who i'm friends with at work comes back tomorrow. i don't know what to think. she's very nice and she was one of the first people there who was really kind to me and showed me stuff (even made me a little booklet hah), but i don't want to be pushed aside because she's coming back. she was gone for a whole summer, the other girl had her kid, and i was busting my ass there all summer, constantly just holding it down. i can't help but worry that that is what's going to happen. it's just not fair if it does and i'll fucking let them know if it happens. i realize she's been there a little longer than me, but at the same time i put in a lot of effort and hold the same title she does and i refuse to be pushed aside. of course this is all my paranoia speaking. i'm fucking nuts. |
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Read 6 - Post |
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| 03:48pm 28/08/2005 |
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so i officially don't really have a car to do anything. if you want to hang out with me, you'll have to come get me. oh, but i forgot. the only 2 people who are willing to come up here actually live an hour and a half away (and actually in another state half the week) so i guess i won't be seeing anyone because none of you dicks come to see me. that's ok. i'd rather be alone than deal with fucks like you. |
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| 01:46am 28/08/2005 |
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mood:  crushed
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everything is looking grim |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| calling all idiots |
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| 12:01am 22/08/2005 |
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mood: blank music: Striking Distance - The Decision Is Ours
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I'm selling my mp3 player. Creative's NOMAD Jukebox Zen Xtra 40GB. If you want to read more about it and its specifications, go here: http://www.nomadworld.com/products/Jukebox_ZenXtra/
I'm selling it from somewhere between $200-250. It goes for about 300 and I bought it for somewhere around there, so depending on who you are and if I like you, we'll see what we can do. It has about 20-25 gigs of music on it. You can take it or leave it. I still have the software CD. It's a little scratched, but it still works and you'll only use it like once anyway. It's an excellent mp3 player. It comes with its leather case and everything. No bumps and maybe a couple of scratches, but the leather is pretty much always on so it can't be much if there is any (that I haven't spotted at least). It plays very very well. Has a good selection of presets to fit whatever sound you want to get out of it. The battery life is pretty good. It has only died on me once and it's because I'm an idiot. It'll come with the ethernet cable for file transfers and the charger of course. I believe you can use any car charger you would use for a CD player on it. I did once and it worked so that in itself is great. So if you're interested, e-mail me at xfredomania@hotmail.com, IM me at "fredo, message me on this thing, do whatever you want. Just get in touch. Thanks! |
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| fucking falling down again |
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| 12:00am 19/08/2005 |
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mood: i don't know music: Kill Your Idols - Falling
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it sucks when a person you actually give a fuck about is leaving. i hope she can really take me with her because i don't know what i'd do. man this fucking sucks. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| 02:02am 07/08/2005 |
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mood: blank music: Smoke or Fire
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i don't know why, but i feel the need to update. i'm feeling pretty weird lately. like i can't even explain what's going on with me. i'll be straight up and say that i just don't want to see a lot of people anymore or just not see them often. i don't know what it is, but just thinking about seeing a lot of the people that would consider friends and would love to see every once in a while i just can't see anymore. like the mere thought of it makes me fucking sick. i couldn't name names if i wanted to. if i haven't really been trying to even communicate with you it's probably you.
i work a lot and it's actually the one thing that makes me happy. i have newfound friendships in a few select co-workers and i feel like i can be myself around them, which is something i don't feel i can do around a lot of my friends. they invited me over for drinks last night and i had a blast and it's nice to see friends that live 5 minutes away from me for a change. i got trashed out of my fucking mind and i'd do it again because i just don't want to think about things anymore.
angelo and steph, we need to hang out. i felt bad last time i was down there because i had to go to that piece of shit diner with the idiot convention. we'll hang out i promise.
i guess if you want, check out my other band Tragic Vision. i should be more psyched about it, but i find it hard to be psyched about anything anymore. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| 12:23am 21/07/2005 |
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i haven't updated this thing in forever.
who would have thunk it? i'm a fucking workaholic. i seriously hate working, but i love it at the same time. when i'm not there, i'm thinking about going in to work. i don't fucking know why, but it keeps my mind off of everything else and it keeps me occupied doing something useful for a change. i've met a lot of good people (that i work with, not the customers. all the customers are fucking gay) and i manage to have some fun while i'm there so yeah and get paid at the same time. some days are shit, but you gotta take the good with the bad. i got tech certified a few weeks back, so that's cool. the pharmacist told me i was probably the fastest learner he's had in any pharmacy he has ever worked at and that i'm real good at what i do. yeaaaaaaah in your face you fags. life kinda rules right now, but it sucks too. whatever. i dont even know what i updated. |
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| 01:24am 05/05/2005 |
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MODERN LIFE IS WAR IS THE WORST BAND IN THE UNIGALAXY ON OPPOSITE DAY |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| listen |
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| 08:26pm 19/03/2005 |
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after working at CVS the past two weeks let me drop some knowledge on you.
if there is an insurance problem do not give me a fucking attitude about it. is it my fault? no. is it CVS' fault? no. call your fucking insurance company or have us double check, but be NICE about it. jesus fucking christ. i deal with more than just you a day so don't think that your problems mean shit to me that you have to be dick about it. now, the customers who can be dicks are in the minority, but the ones who aren't make me want to just leap over the counter and pour a bottle of whatever lethal drug i have within arms distance down their fucking throat. jesus christ people are retarded and worst of all THEY REFUSE TO UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION |
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| 01:31pm 11/03/2005 |
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SOMEONE UP HERE DRIVE DOWN WITH ME TO ANE |
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wegottaknow's journal